http://somethingelsereviews.com/2012/12/22/gimme-five-songs-where-van-halen-well-sucked/

December 22, 2012 at 8:15 am
Gimme Five: Songs where Van Halen, well, sucked
by Nick DeRiso

Criticizing Van Halen for the times it were too corny or over-the-top almost feels disingenuous. After all, the band’s legend was founded on their blend of dizzying virtuosity with pervy jokester asides.

That makes this particular entry in the controversy-stoking Sucks Series a tricky proposition. See, we always liked some of Van Halen’s most blatantly goofball moments, from “Ice Cream Man” to “Big Bad Bill.” Even, the terminally silly “Tattoo” from the new album has this almost irresistible charm.

Still, for every hook-filled pop-metal triumph, and every good-time guitar meltdown, there were times when Van Halen simply took it too far.

That’s to say nothing of their curious choices in cover songs, from the awful “Happy Trails,” to the truly awful “Dancing in the Streets” to the unthinkably, mind-bendingly awful “You’re No Good.” Or what happened when they replaced David Lee Roth with Sammy Hagar and then (gulp) Gary Cherone. Or when (gulp!) Eddie Van Halen sat down his guitar in order to … wait; what? … sing?

We stayed away from their renditions of others’ songs, actually, because that could have filled up its own list. Everything else, however, was on the table …

5. COULD THIS BE MAGIC (WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST, 1980): After a titanic beginning with “And the Cradle Will Rock,” Van Halen’s third album had begun to lose most of its steam by deep into the second side.

The project ground, in fact, to a shuddering halt with this mixed-up ragtime novelty number, which found Roth going head-long into his supper club-singer persona — only to launch into something that sounds like a sea chantey at the chorus. The only respite from this unsteady performance by the Bourbon Tabernacle Choir is when Dave throws it to Van Halen (“Edward!”) for a series of whoozy slide burps.

It’s not just that this was a confusing medley of half-formed ideas, or that it was performed with all of the grace of a drunk-tank regular, though. “Could This Be Magic,” in fact, has no magic. The song lacks all of the charm, and any of the humor, that typically makes these silly detours work for Van Halen.

4. “PUSH COMES TO SHOVE” (FAIR WARNING, 1981): The truth is, this surprisingly dark album probably needed some lightening up. Going disco, however, wasn’t the way to do that.

Worst of all was what this emptily hedonistic genre exercise left Van Halen to do. Other than a few (actually very interesting) metallic embellishments, he is largely reduced to aping the chanky-chank polyester-era riffs that powered a million mirror balls — a grave misstep. Roth, meanwhile, sounds like he’s gotten into the Xanax.

The only guy who comes off for the better here, oddly enough, is Michael Anthony. His most important contributions were always vocally, rather than on the bass — where his playing (see “Devil, Running with the”) was typically as perfunctory as it was heavy-handed. Except on “Push Comes to Shove,” where all of sudden, Anthony unleashes a series of funky little curlicues. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly enough to save this leaden dud.

3. “WOMEN IN LOVE …” (VAN HALEN II, 1979): Van Halen must have made 1,000 songs about wanting some, and easily 999 of them were better than this dullard.

Eddie tries to dress it up with some introspective licks at the beginning, and that’s almost enough to convince — until the actual song starts. It starts at the pace of a smoking, rusted-out Caddie that’s two quarts low on oil, and it never looses that draggy sense of suspended musical animation. (There are, really, few greater indictments of the sometimes plodding, utterly featureless efforts of both Anthony and Eddie’s drumming brother Alex over the years.) In fact, the longer “Women in Love …” goes, the worse it gets.

Into this atmosphere of creatively spent malaise walks Roth, who tries to goose things with his now-famous brand of winking narcissism — but it feels pasted on, trumped up. Thankfully, II rebounds nicely with the cheeky confection “Beautiful Girls,” one of those other 999 tracks we mentioned earlier.

2. “UP FOR BREAKFAST” (BEST OF BOTH WORLDS, 2004): Part of a trio of songs tacked on to trick long-time fans into buying a new two-CD compilation that mixed tunes from the Roth and Sammy Hagar eras, the desperately rote “Up for Breakfast” from Sammy had a bitterly ironic title. They’ve never sounded more flaccid.

Of course, smart, well-conceived lyrics were not a hallmark of the hitmaking Van Hagar era. But this doltish paean to early-morning hanky-panky makes “Why Can’t This Be Love” read like Hemingway. (Sammy’s debut hit with Van Halen, remember, including this twilight-zone line: “Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.”) At one point, Hagar, in the midst of an apparent seizure, barks: “Hot tub, loosen up. Baby been soaking. Been tokin.’ Been sippin.’ Slip slide slippin, all got me tripping.”

Also tripping: Eddie Van Halen, who stripped away any writing credits on these new tunes from Anthony, reportedly dubbed over Anthony’s parts himself — and subsequently kicked the co-founding bassist out.

1. “HOW MANY SAY I,” (VAN HALEN III, 1998): This Gary Cherone-fronted album was studiously ignored by long-time followers of Van Halen, becoming the first-ever not to go platinum in the U.S. The project’s worst cut — in fact, the worst thing this band ever did — didn’t feature that here-and-gone late-1990s frontman, however.

Instead, it’s “How Many Say I,” with one Eddie Van Halen (yes) taking over at the mic. On an album that also featured Eddie on bass, and even drums, I suppose it was inevitable that Van Halen would try his hand at singing. This was one former Extreme vocalist away from being a solo album, I suppose.

Clearly, he should have stuck with the guitar. Roth, upon hearing “How Many Say I,” reportedly said it sounded like “hot water being poured on a cat.” Thing is, though, Van Halen kept pouring it, and kept pouring it, and kept pouring it — for six excruciating minutes.

That poor cat.

I guess you cant argue with a couple of them but WTF…. Could This Be Magic, Push Comes To Shove and Women in Love. They are some of my favorite songs…. This Nick DeRiso guy should call himself Nick DeDickhead.

Here are my 5 least favorite songs….

Dreams
The Inside
Dancing in the streets/ Pretty Woman
Loss Control (musically its awesome, but vocally….)
Up For Breakfast

FUNNY! Van Halen’s “worst” songs would be MONSTER hits for anyone else! This guy’s just an uneducated hater! ALL of VH’s worst songs would be from the Hager/Cherone eras…

As far as Diamond Dave’s stuff? Too many covers…I like Ice Cream Man, You Really Got Me and You’re No Good …the rest they could’ve left on the shelf! I HATE Jump and Tattoo is just a little too bubblegum for my taste! Without Tattoo, ADKOT would’ve been VH’s BEST album…EVER! Aside from these very few selections…Roth era VH is pretty much flawless! As much as I dislike Jump…that’s just how much I do like I’ll Wait…but I NEVER really embraced Ed on keyboards, at all!

“But like Dale Earnhardt used to say, ‘It doesn’t matter if they’re booing or cheering. Just as long as they’re making noise.’ This guy just made some people listen to Van Halen songs they may never heard just buy reading his post Thanks to Nick DeRiso new people may find some of these songs the best ones Van Halen have done not sucked

That’s kind of a fun list, whether you agree or not. I’ve never even heard VHIII outside of Fire In The Hole, but if that’s the best song on there, the rest of the album must really be bad. I’m no pro on teh Sammy era stuff either, but I can live without Dreams and that Apolitical Blues song. For the Dave era, I actually love the covers. It’s something they did better than anyone else at the time. You could twist my arm into thinking Push Comes to Shove is a bottom 5 Dave song, though. Then I’d go with Top Jimmy. Outside of those they made no bad songs!

Women in love for the time was a great song, it fit the year and times. Never liked Push Comes to Shove but again it fit the year and times. Its easy to look back and retrospectively think that a song sucked because it doesn’t stand the test of time. Although I have a hard time listening to Diver Down, to me the whole record sucked then and it sucks now. I would like to see a VH1′s Rock Documentary The Making of Diver Down. I think it would be such a cluster, it would be hilarious.

MikeyV

Add ‘Not Enough’ to the list.

Live, ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

This is very subjective, a song I think may suck someone else may love. Some of the song picked by Mr. DeRiso I like a lot, others I agree aren’t my cup of tea.

There is nothing from the six pack I hate.Most everything listed so far I really like,especially the covers.Very tough to nail a cover and Halen did it every time!.
Could This be Magic…..woulda loved more acoustic stuff from them…love this tune.
Happy Trails…awesome! So classic at the US festival in the middle of You Really Got Me.
Push Comes To Shove….one of my favorite solos!

For me,anything that could be labeled ‘suck’s’ would have to be from the Hagar/Cherone era’s.Not gonna say I hate em’ but I could do without em’.

Love Walks In
Inside
Not Enough
Josephina
From Afar
Year to The Day

I would have to say most of the VH III cd…I did not like it…I collect all VH(VH III era included!) and I also had back stage passes for the Nashville show,got to meet my heroes(Ed,Al and Mikey).Shook hands with Cherone and moved on.I just can’t get into that cd.That cd was an all time low for me VH wise.Just my opinion…
Tim

mrmojohalen:
Add ‘Not Enough’ to the list.

Live, ‘.

I didnt like not enough, but I loved RITFW…loved that tour.

mrmojohalen:
Add ‘Not Enough’ to the list.

Live, ‘.RITFW

Agreed. RITFW is such a terrible cover. Hagar ruins a great tune with his forced delivery and misinterpretation of the lyrics. Not to mention Ed’s processed cheese (un)tone.

That top 5 list above is a complete joke from a complete musical idiot.

steecoe: I didnt like not enough, but I loved RITFW…loved that tour.

Wasn’t that your first “Steecoe Does America With VH” tour ?

frankm:
This is very subjective, a song I think may suck someone else may love. Some of the song picked by Mr. DeRiso I like a lot, others I agree aren’t my cup of tea.

I’ll agree with that.

mrmojohalen: Wasn’t that your first “Steecoe Does America With VH” tour ?

The second!